Chancellor Joel Klein announced the completion of the student pay for performance incentive program. Klein lauded the program, “Although scores did not rise as much as we anticipated we are proud of the contribution that we have made to increase the self esteem of our children”
Some have challenged the premise that children will not learn or succeed in school without monetary awards, others argue that “bribing is as American as Apple pie.”
“We will go to any lengths to improve pupil achievement, “said Klein. His staffers indicated that the Department was in early stages of a program planning to imbed electrodes in the pleasure centers of student brains that would be stimulated if they received good grades. “Our desire to increase pupil achievement is boundless … we are very impressed with Professor Skinner’s ideas … and we are seeking funding from the Pangloss Foundation.”
Sources tell us that the Department is considering moving in a different direction … in addition to rewarding students through either cash incentives or direct pleasurable stimulation they are considering negative consequences for teachers.
Department employees have been meeting with Professor Tomas Torquemada, a renowned researcher whose family has had generations of experience in this field. In a phone interview the Professor Torquemada explained that his procedure, called the Auto de Fe had been extremely successful in changing behavior.
A teacher union representative said, “We have it on good authority that the next consultant the Department is looking to hire is Rod Serling.“